


Not You

by 222dia222



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Era, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Sad, i guess, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24386671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/222dia222/pseuds/222dia222
Summary: Gwaine deserved better than that.But then he thought Gwaine also deserved better than Merlin throwing all his worries onto his shoulders, however strong they were.„Please don’t think any less of me. Not you, Gwaine. Please. I couldn’t bear it.“ His voice broke and he couldn’t continue for the fear of waking up the other knights.
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Mordred (Merlin), if you squint
Comments: 5
Kudos: 115





	Not You

**Author's Note:**

> This is me kind of venting my feelings about the heartbreaking relationship of Mordred/Merlin whilst using my favorite pairing. I was tired of thinking about it every night while trying to fall asleep so I decided to write it down to get it out of my head. Hopefully, it will bring a little bit of happiness (or sadness) (sadness=happiness when it comes to me reading fanfiction lol) to whoever decides to read this.

It must be after midnight already. The chill of the night air was beginning to make Merlin shiver slightly making him move closer to the fire, which was burning steadily, kept alive by a helping hand of Merlin’s magic.

Merlin liked keeping watch. It gave him time to think. It also made him feel better knowing he would be able to keep his friends safe from any danger lurking in the darkness.

Everyone else was seemingly asleep. Arthur laying on the other side of the fire, making only his feet and the top of his blonde head visible to Merlin.

A little farther to the side lay Leon, his hand poised on his sword even in his sleep making Merlin's lips twitch in amusement.

Elyan and Percival lay parallel to each other, soft snores coming from one of them.

Closest to Merlin, maybe a little ironically given the nature of their relationship, lay sleeping young Mordred. Interestingly, the druid seemed to gravitate towards him in his sleep, rather than the heat of the fire.

In the dead of the night, he could almost pretend it was Lancelot laying next to him, body turned towards him, the dancing light from the flames distorting his face just enough. He knew if he were to open his eyes though, an icy blue would meet him instead of Lancelot‘s warm brown.

He turned his head away, feeling bitterness towards the boy now taking the place that once belonged to his dear friend. He knew Mordred didn’t hold any fault when it came to Lancelot’s death, but it’s not like Merlin could find any other reason to dislike him. Between the boy’s sweet nature, his strange devotion that made him follow Merlin around like a lost puppy seeking affection, and his loyalty towards the one Merlin has sworn his life to protect, it was hard to remember why he was keeping his distance.

He knew the other knights noticed too. Arthur's fatherly disapproving face whenever Mordred turned his eyes onto Merlin after he’s done something worth praising, and Merlin disinterestedly or as Percival would say, cruelly turning away from him.

Elyan’s comforting murmurs whenever Mordred asked Merlin a question or tried to start a conversation only to have Merlin give a curt answer making it obvious the talk was over on his side.

He knew were Lancelot here, he would see the same disappointed look on his face. Then again, maybe he could make _him_ understand. Could confide in him the way he couldn’t to any of the other men.

It seemed all the knights have grown to care for their youngest and Merlin felt something similar to loss in his heart, knowing he couldn’t let himself feel the same no matter how much he wanted to.

His deeply conflicted thoughts have finally made him take his eyes off the druid and move to the last sleeping figure farthest from the fire, laying on his side with his back pressed into a tree, head pillowed on one of his arms, only to notice eyes softly twinkling back at him. Merlin slightly startled in the realization that Gwaine have probably seen him watching Mordred for the last couple of minutes.

When the knight realized Merlin noticed his consciousness, he slowly moved to an upright position, and quietly walked towards the warlock, so as to not wake up any of the knights from their fitful sleep.

Once he was sitting next to the younger boy, he heaved a long sigh. „You seemed to be lost in your thoughts there.“ he remarked after a moment of the pair sitting in silence.

Merlin thought about giving some measly excuse that always seemed to work when someone noticed his dejected expression turned on the druid boy but then thought that Gwaine deserved better than that.

But then he thought Gwaine also deserved better than Merlin throwing all his worries onto his shoulders, however strong they were.

And then he realized how difficult it would be to explain his distrust in the young knight without giving away too much.

Instead, he just stayed silent.

And then he found that was the biggest mistake he could have made when he heard the man’s next words.

„Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.“ whispered Gwaine staring into the burning fire with an unreadable look on his face.

Merlin was left looking at him, lost for words.

„I should go back to sleep.“ Gwaine said as the one-sided conversation seemed to come to an end. He stood up and walked back to his place by the tree which suddenly seemed a lot farther away than it did before, this time laying down with his back turned towards the warlock.

Merlin stayed sitting there for another minute or two, what Gwaine had said turning over in his brain making his head feel like it was underwater. His words had hurt. They hurt more than he could have ever imagined. He thought of Gwaine’s smile and how he saw it directed at him less and less in the past few weeks, its place taking a confused sad grimace instead. And suddenly there was a tight feeling worming itself from his chest right into his throat making it hard for him to swallow.

He stood up and slowly walked to where Gwaine was now laying, seemingly asleep. Taking a deep breath, he kneeled next to the knight’s still body, and without another thought given, the words began tumbling out.

„I’m sorry. I’m sorry Gwaine I swear– I don’t act this way just because– just because I don’t like Mordred. You know I wouldn’t do that. _You know_. I wish I could tell you my reasons but I can’t. I can’t tell anyone, no matter how much I trust you.“ Gwaine didn't move a muscle and Merlin didn’t even know if he could actually hear him or if he was dead asleep. Nevertheless, he continued, the tears he was fighting betraying their presence in his voice.

„Please don’t think any less of me. _Not you, Gwaine_. Please. I couldn’t bear it.“ his voice broke and he couldn’t continue for the fear of waking up the other knights.

Maybe it was the pain in his voice that made Gwaine finally show that he was in fact awake. The man sat up, one of his hands supporting his weight as he turned towards Merlin. He wasn't able to see the look on his face because of the darkness but his next words made Merlin almost sob out in relief.

„Come here.“ he whispered and didn’t wait for Merlin to make the move before he caught one hand on the back oh his neck, the other wounding around his lower back to haul him into a firm but oddly gentle embrace. He held him close, cradling Merlin’s face into his neck. Closing his eyes and burying his nose into the younger boy's hair, he drew in a breath as he chose his words carefully.

„I could never think anything bad of you Merlin. I’m sorry I let you think that. I know you always mean well. If you say you have good reasons for your actions then I believe you.“ he whispered into his hair with an equal amount of emotion in his voice.

„Besides, it’s not exactly my place to judge. I myself am sometimes ashamed of the things running through my mind.“ And then Gwaine admitted to Merlin his darkest thoughts. Thoughts he never before dared to say out loud.

„Sometimes I wish that the king would perish. I think about just stepping away from a fight. Just letting them–.“ he cut himself off, shame clearly visible in his eyes and his downturned mouth.

At this Merlin looked up from his neck, staring at the older man in quiet disbelief, he couldn’t form words just as he couldn't form thoughts to respond to what he just heard come from the lips of one of the most loyal knights of Camelot.

„I think of just letting him die. Turning a blind eye. Then–... I could have you all to myself. I could take you and run far away from here. No more king, no more duty. Yours or mine.“ It seemed that Gwaine was unable to stop the shameful words now, they were coming out of his mouth without his volition.

Merlin didn’t know what to say. When Gwaine looked up at him and saw the conflicting horrified expression he was wearing he just sighed and said „Don’t worry, I wouldn’t act on those feelings. We all have selfish thoughts sometimes. I know that...your place is at his side. I know you wouldn’t leave him for a scoundrel like me.“ he said with a laugh but Merlin could hear the self-deprecation in it.

„Gwaine, that’s not–, I– it’s not like that. I wish I could. I wish for it _so much_ but I can’t. Not for the reasons you’re thinking.“ He took his face into his palms and made him look into his eyes.

„I would run away with you if I could. _I would_ , without a second thought.“ he repeated firmly seeing the uncertainty clear in his sad eyes. Brown like Lancelot's. But what seemed so incredibly obvious to him now, which he was so blind to before, shining with such apparent love it made Merlin almost lose his breath.

„And I wish more than anything I could make you understand.“ he continued. „Please, believe me when I say that you are incredibly important to me. And I care about you so much.“ then even more regrettably „That’s all I can give you. At least for now.“ he finished with his forehead now touching to the older man's, wishing he could somehow transfer all his thoughts into his brain to make him see, to make him _know_.

For a moment, Gwaine said nothing, and Merlin just listened to their shared shallow breathing. He could see his eyes shining in the darkness, more than they would usually, a sure sign of tears ready to betray his strong front. But oh, Merlin didn’t want him to cry. He didn’t want him to hurt because of him. Not even for a second. His thoughts got jumbled up and through the ringing in his ears only one thought stood clear.

Fingers softly stroking the side of the knight's face, he slowly leaned in, a mere inch needed to close the gap between them and touched his trembling lips to the corner of Gwaine’s. For a moment time stood still. And then he felt Gwaine move his head, turning it ever so slightly to the side and connecting their lips properly in the most gentle kiss Merlin has ever experienced.

It could perhaps barely be called a kiss and yet Merlin felt as if he could suddenly feel every emotion running through the other man’s head. All the confusion, all the pain, all the shame but most importantly, all the love. And Merlin knew Gwaine was experiencing the same thing.

One simple touch worth more than a thousand words.

And at once, they knew it would be okay. If not forever, then at least for that one night.

*

And if Mordred wasn’t actually asleep with the rest of the knights, well, he was used to keeping secrets after all.

**Author's Note:**

> (Nevermind that Merlin was supposed to be keeping watch lmao)


End file.
